Monday, October 7, 2013

In the Wind

As the winds of autumn bring the change in the weather, I find an easy parallel with my life situation this fall. I finally admitted today to my daughter exactly how difficult this has been for me. By this I mean the transition back to school for Athena. It actually felt good to admit it. Kind of like I imagine the first day of a 12 Step program to be. There, I've said it. I don't like change.

Now that I have said it out loud I can move on. Part of me is giddy with excitement about the possibilities. The other part looks at the school books and laments what could have been. Athena is doing well in school (emotionally, not sure about academically yet). I have told you this already. I am genuinely happy for her. I am. And with each passing week the thought of the possibility we will home school again seems less and less likely. I am finally now coming to terms with that. After all, most parents send their kids to public school and they turn out just fine. I have struggled with the guilt of doing just that. Guilt. My inner voice was saying "She will just get an average education. You could have given her an extraordinary one. She is hardly ever home. Look how hard it is for her to get up and get going in the morning. She could sleep longer if she were at home. You hardly ever see her. How can you possibly teach her all the life skills she needs to know in a few hours on the weekend? Look at all the germs!! A whole school full of them..." And on and on and on.

But now that voice is quieting down. It is saying other things. Things like: "Look at the smile on her face when she tells you that a boy said he likes her. Look how excited she gets when she talks about choir and recess and The Terry Fox Run. Look how she gets to be a big buddy and listen to a little kid read aloud to her. Listen as she tells you the new skills you never could have taught her. Playing the recorder, team sports, countless art projects." She is doing things that simply cannot be done in a one child home school and that makes me very happy indeed. She is growing up in so many ways in such a short period of time. We learned at home for 4 years. We did what needed to be done. But as my wise daughter said, "You intuitively knew that it was time." And it is. It is time. Time to let go a little bit. Time to let her spread her wings and fly. My sweet little fledgling.

And so I am releasing the guilt. Today. Letting it go. I will look forward and live in the present and be here now. I will listen, with joy, as she tells me the great stuff that goes on. I will hold her close and brush away her tears as she tells me the not so good. I will remind myself of my school days, so many years ago and remember just how much I really did love going to school, bad days and all.
Thank you for listening to all of this blabber and allowing me to "work it all out" here on my blog.
And now I am finished with this subject. It was getting a bit repetitive. :) The end.


Tara said...

Just considering homeschooling is such a big decision and then actually doing it well - a huge commitment.

Letting go of that, and processing the change and transition of public school takes time, and you deserve to be easier on yourself. We're parents, we worry and fret and wonder about the future - bottom line - your sweet girl is well loved - everything will be o.k.

Enjoy your week!

Dawn said...

These photos are all so lovely. I'm glad that things are going well. I remember well, experiencing similar feelings that first time I sent both of my kids to public school. You have a great attitude and I'm excited to see what will come next for you.