Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Deep Exhale

I don't even know where to begin as I sit at my desk and write this post. Sigh. Suffice it to say, our 3rd home choice did not work out. I am not upset. I am too much of an optimist to be upset about something like that. My frustration lies in the interim. The big space in between. The unknown.
I am 100% not a big city girl. Woman is a better word I guess. Middle aged woman to be precise. I was born in a city. Not a big city, but a city nonetheless. I hesitated to get my driver's license when I turned 16, in part because my boyfriend,(who is coincidentally my husband) drove me everywhere and in part because I didn't think I'd like to drive in a city. When I turned 21 I decided it was time. So my husband took me to the DMV in our station wagon (not kidding!) with no less than 3 car seats strapped in the back (still not kidding) and I went for my test. I passed. Hopefully because of my driving skills but it could have been out of pity. (See above parentheses).
I am a little off track here but I do emphasise... I AM NOT A CITY girl  woman  middle aged woman.

As you may or may not know, we are looking for a new home near North Battleford, Saskatchewan. (Stop your eye rolling you Saskatchewanites) Paul's job requires we move there. I have told you before what my dream is. And then I told you about plan B. And more recently we decided to look at a house in the city. (gasp) A small city of 14,000 but still... a city.


I told you some of the reasons why a small town would be better and then I went on to think that a city might be okay. I wondered to myself, and out loud to my daughter if I might be seen as someone who flip-flops. Undecided. Flitting from one idea to another. And I am not. Really and truly I am not. I KNOW what I want deep down in my very soul.

I want to live on an acreage. Country living calls to me. The trees! Oh how I love trees. The animals. The birds. The wide open spaces! These are the things I dream of and migrate toward.

And chickens. I want to have some laying hens. We love eggs. We get farm fresh eggs now, (thank you Clint) but the joy and satisfaction of having your own flock and collecting you own eggs.

What gnaws at me and gets me thinking is Little Miss A. Punkie Pie. Will she be lonely out there? Then part of me says she'll only be with me for another 10 years or so. This will likely be my last chance! I know that if she needed more interaction with peers, she could opt to go to school. Right now I think she would rather chew glass. And so I imagine each scenario in my head. One thing I know, I am really good at creating a life wherever we are and I will be good at it wherever we go.

But please, take a peek at a few of my book shelves and tell me, do I give up my lifelong dream for my girl? Or do I throw caution to the wind and let the cards fall where they may and gracefully face head on whatever comes our way.

PS I think these two brats would go with the country home.
PPS They are getting along much better now. Thanks for asking. :)

And yes, that is Athena's scooter in the kitchen. She scoots around the table at least a half hour a day.
(first four images from Google)


Dawn said...

Oh my, we're in such a similar place right now, only a bit reversed. I would not call myself a suburban girl, but that is where I am...for my kids. I dream of living in the city, and we look at condos, but it just doesn't seem to be the right place for us at this time, though we haven't ruled it out completely.
I like what you said about your ability to make a good life for your family wherever you are. I don't doubt that to be true. I wish you all the best as you come to a decision and look for the place that is just right for your family at this time.

Tara said...

You know what they say about best laid plans.... perhaps the universe has something more wonderful than you could have imagined waiting for you and it may not look like something you have envisioned.

Wherever you land, it will be home in no time. Best to you!